that's not my name

obviously, my name isn't really virgil winthrop sanderson.

i don't know exactly what my purpose is here on this blog. i guess just to write stuff that's on my mind or something. things that interest me, perhaps. i'm not gonna have a theme or something. no weekly repeat posts. nothing special. just me.

here i go.

lately i've been having some really fucking weird dreams. like, straight up bizarre. they've been incredibly nonsensical and vivid, and i'm remembering them more often than usual. this is supposed to mean that i'm stressed in the real life, but i think it's my subconscious telling me that i am insane.

last night, i had two dreams. i'll start with the one i can't explain, and then end with the one the internet explained for me.

so in this dream, i was with andrew and who i believe to have been his cousin aldo. i have never met aldo, and this person really wasn't identified, but he had a crazy beard, and i've seen pictures. anyway, the three of us were in this supposed-aldo's apartment in wherever, getting ready to go to the beach. i was on the computer having a video chat with the dude from twilight. why? i don't know. i've never seen twilight and i don't plan to. but we were just chatting like we were good ol' pals. before we were about to leave, i said "i don't normally do this, but could we exchange numbers?" so he reached through the computer screen to write his phone number on my hand, and i did the same in return. he had a 609 area code. i remember during all of this that andrew and aldo were being very impatient.
then the three of us left, and got in the elevator. when we got to the bottom, i realized i had forgotten my shoes, so we went back upstairs to get them. on the way we passed some homies and said hello.
i had my shoes, and we went to this... this place. it was supposed to be the beach, but it was this like lake thing, and you had to walk across a narrow wooden bridge to get to the dock, but the bridge wasn't rickety and it was enclosed around the sides and top. very weird.
that's all i remember in detail... the rest is all just inexplicable images but i see a house and someone going up the stairs. i don't know what that is or means.

okay, second dream.

in this dream, i had a very small baby. i wasn't pregnant or anything, but this baby just like appeared in my arms, sort of like in the sims, and it just registered in my brain that this was my baby. i called andrew, and i said "uh, hey, i apparently just had a baby. i didn't know i was pregnant, i wasn't like fat or anything and still got my period, but i have a baby now." and he was weirded out. and the baby wouldn't stop pooping. it didn't cry, it didn't scream, it wasn't hungry. it just pooped. and that's all i remember.

my internet sources have informed me that babies in dreams signify something about yourself that is pure, innocent, vulnerable, and possibly helpless. the fact that the baby was small also symbolizes that i fear others will become aware of my vulerablility and incompetence. in addition, the fact that i actually had the baby in my dream symbolizes the birth of new ideas, new beginnings, or anticipation of an upcoming event.
the poop in the dream supposedly symbolizes my negative feelings toward certain aspects of myself, athough i had to use the term "feces" in my search. "poop" yielded no results.

these interperetations actually make sense to me. i have been feeling rather vulnerable and helpless lately, since i've been having recent financial and familial difficulties. and even though i have expressed my feelings about these things, it hurts a lot worse than i let on because i don't want to bother everyone with my problems. also, i have a lot of exciting things in my future ahead of me.

the poop interperetation also makes mountains of sense. i've been having some body image issues. i recently lost ten pounds, and i needed to. but it's weird... when i was a little chubby, everything seemed more proportionate. i was comfortable with how i looked. i knew i could stand to lose a few, but nothing really bothered me about how i looked. now that i've lost some weight, the areas that didn't seem to lose enough stick out like a sore thumb. i'm like, "yeah, i'm ten pounds lighter, but IT'S NOT PERFECT. THIS PART RIGHT HERE LOOKS LIKE SHIT." it's just so odd how quickly my perception changed. seriously, the other day i considered getting wasted so i could throw up everything i ate that day and not consider myself bulemic. i really don't feel like developing an eating disorder.

i think that's all for this evening. i do have a lot more going on, but i don't feel like writing a novel right now.

i bid thee adeiu until next time.